| umm. |
[Nov. 6th, 2008|07:58 pm] |
who the fuck am i and when does it get easy?
oh yeah, and i never got moving on that journal. that's called "i have too much other crap to do instead of spending time on myself."
hi?
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| this is the new. |
[Aug. 3rd, 2008|12:32 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | mi casa | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | jem - it's amazing | ] |
yes, that's right, i have a new journal.
http://swingsonbirches.wordpress.com
i decided to really make a change and go to a different journal provider. heavens to betsy! i found this on google when i searched for blog sites, so wa-la.
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| the end of the beginning. |
[Jul. 26th, 2008|11:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | mi casa | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | accomplished | ] |
| [ | music |
| | death cab | ] |
i was having this thought earlier today about how sometimes i think of very insightful things but don't bother to write them down. i sort of let things float away, never diving into them head on. i've continued to think about this, and now i am wondering what it was earlier that stopped me from reading a book for a moment. i'm wondering what other thoughts i have had that i have simply brushed off and let go because i didn't feel like making the effort to write anything about them. it's kind of sad, really.
then i thought about my life and where i am letting it go. i'm 21 years old, i thought i had a lot figured out. turns out, i don't... and months, years after realizing this, i still don't have a clue. i am in no more certain a place than i was 12 months ago. i feel like i don't know myself. i don't know what i am good at anymore. the one thing i was pretty decent at for a long time was writing, advice, and considerations. now i work all the time and focus on keeping myself in a semi-sane state of mind so i don't flip out. i think about how i am going to pay a bill, or why that "guest" at work decided to treat me like half a human being. i'm sick of it.
you know what i think? i think it only becomes less complicated when you get older if you stop letting yourself think about how messed up your life really is. i think if you master the art of busy work as i have, you too can appear to have become normal. i'm anything but. i feel the same madness as before, but now i hide from it. is that the grown up thing to do? is it better to pretend nothing is there than to look the monster under the bed in the eyes and say hello?
i felt extremely ready to grow up for a long time, but now i feel as though time has stood still. i'm not really growing, i'm just settling. i'm not sure i want to. i really miss the whimsical life i had before that involved quite literally going off to wherever i damn well pleased. now i do have some responsibilities that do not allow for that, and quite frankly the largest one is to myself. i have the responsibility to make something of myself a bit more meaningful than that which i have created so far... because at this point, i am disinterested in me. i gave up on myself a long time ago because i felt as though i had the worst luck in the world. i felt like everything i tried, from illinois back to ohio, to california back to ohio, from elyria to columbus, was a failure. can you blame me? well, i suppose you could if i opted to continue down this road.
so here i go. i am starting a new journal, a new chapter. take an interest, don't; whatever. i've been settled in these bones for far too long and i want a new skeleton. i've had this journal since 2004.
i think it's about time for a change.
a link to the new coming soon.
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| let's talk about what i don't want to talk about. |
[Jun. 5th, 2008|01:28 am] |
or not! instead, here's an update:
i'm writing a book. correction, i have begun writing three and i think once i make some adjustments, the third one WILL be the charm. that being said, i am considering posting some of the chapters in here as a way to wet my feet in the publishing world and hopefully pique five peoples' interests so i can sell some copies! har har. one can dream, yes?
anyhoo, i am pleasantly avoiding the reality of a lot of things by focusing on my kitties (yes, plural, another one adopted us me my roommate and myself) and work. hoo-freaking-rah.
until next time...
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| i never LJ anymore. |
[May. 23rd, 2008|07:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | nerdy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | billy joel | ] |
it's not that i don't want to. i'm just having a really hard time with life in general and making excuses for my lack of expression.
i made the genius decision to change majors, so now i am right back to practically the beginning of my college education. guess what is even better than that? i have no idea what i should be going to school for. i mentioned to marco the other night i would just like to become a hogwarts professor, but he kindly informed me that may be slightly more difficult than i anticipate.
here are some of the things i am interested in doing:
becoming a buyer for a major store (a la rachel on friends, for those who don't know).
be a magazine journalist for beauty and fashion.
become a childrens' teacher.
become an adolescent-age teacher.
become a social worker.
do something substantial to help animals.
be a librarian.
be a curator in a museum.
be a private bookstore owner.
be a mom.
be an interior designer.
be a lawyer.
be a crime detective.
be a therapist.
be a cosmetologist.
the list goes on ridiculous amounts. i reeeeally don't know what to do anymore. bah. i think maybe being a talk show host would be ideal, like the next oprah or something... in which case i suppose a communications major would be the way to go. i don't know. I NEED TO FIGURE THIS OUT! because it's driving me crazy right now, wondering what the hell i should commit to. i stopped going to school for one thing because i knew it wasn't what i wanted to do anymore... the thing i didn't think through was what i'd do next.
and i don't know about any of you, but i'm still not doing well at this whole "growing up" thing. i would much prefer being about six to eight years old right now. just a constant loop of that.
in the spirit of that thought, i was going through old entries and thought i would post this:
http://lo-d.livejournal.com/58980.html
oh memories.
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| hmm. |
[Mar. 15th, 2008|01:21 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | thoughtful | ] |
i've been feeling really adult and yet very childlike lately. i'm not sure what that's about.
i guess i'm not as scared of things as i used to be. i have kind of accepted that most things aren't going to kill me if they happen. i'll survive.
ohhh ohh ohhh i. i will survive.
yep.
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| the black death. |
[Feb. 7th, 2008|10:33 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | school. | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
or at least that's how i am referring to my cold/flu/upper respiratory infection/double earache/whatever the hell this is. if you start to feel sick, i highly suggest you start popping vitamins or get an IV of antibiotics or SOMETHING, because it sucks big time. granted, today is the best i have felt because i slept last night more than i have since... ohh... friday night. all the same, i feel like crap, and that temptation of rest is only making me feel worse. i just want to crawl back into the cozy confines of my bed, where there is an abundance of warmth (due to the multiple comforters and three blankets on it). toulouse can hump my leg all he wants if it means me getting back into bed.
mm, i take that back. toulouse humping my leg is really distracting from sleep.
anyhoo. i feel like crap and will be eternally grateful to anyone who is willing to come to my apartment to clean it and take care of me. marco has done a pretty decent job, but unfortunately he sprained his foot and seems to be coming down with whatever nasty infected my body for the past week. poor guy.
hope all is well around your side of the watering hole.
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| for your consideration. |
[Jan. 16th, 2008|02:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | erc | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | jackets rubbing together | ] |
getting back at someone for doing you wrong will not make what they did disappear from memory.
all the same, can anyone deny the feeling of satisfaction that occurs when you know that person hurts as much as you?
finally, with those two things in mind, if what goes around comes around, consider the result of either of the previous scenarios.
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| marco and myself are old people. |
[Jan. 4th, 2008|10:36 pm] |
well, he says "middle-aged". while we wait for our pizza with extra garlic sauce (we love to smell bad), we are going to fill out a survey.
1. EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT RING?
L: no, thank goodness
M: "yes i have... no i'm just kidding" (direct quote)
2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP:
L: almost three years since our first date! second longest? with my vibrator. bwahahaha!
M: i'm in it. (with his hand)
3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED:
L: marco made me a spaghetti basil torte yesterday! it was gooood.
M: slap in the face from toulouse [the kitty]
4. EVER DROPPED A CELL PHONE?
L: yes. i am klutzy. i break things.
M: yeah, along with many other things... but i am redeeming myself with my spiderman-like qualities.
5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
L: marco and i had sex yesterday. that counts!
M: what she said
6. THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON:
L: marco suggested sex and initially i disagreed, but then i remembered how expensive my birth control is.
M: food... and sex! (he just wants to be included)
7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE:
L: an orange
M: laura's orange
8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX:
L: how they treat/interact with others.
M: whatever sticks out the most. (by this he means T & A)
9. ONE FAVORITE SONG:
L: normally ben folds - carrying cathy, but todaaaaaay i am going with feist - inside and out.
M: hm. that's a tough one. fergalicious.
10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
L: gangsta columbus. want some coke? i can tell you where to get it! and i'm not talking about the kind you get out of a vending machine.
M: on the couch.
11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED:
L: elyria catholic high school
M: admiral kiiiiiiing, what what! i don't know why we had a ram as our mascot.
12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER:
L: verizon
M: verizon
13. FAVORITE MALL STORE:
L: forever21 or h&m
M: if only ambiance was a mall store! express men.
14. LONGEST JOB YOU HAD:
L: suzin L's
M: apples
15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE?
L: no.
M: i own monopoly.
16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?
L: no
M: maybe when i was three.
17. LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED:
L: leslie's in october
M: leslie's
18. FIRST FRIEND YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY:
L: i'd call my mom first... and then lizzie, alanna, kelly.
M: matt
19. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND:
L: one week ago :(
M: when he walked out the door and out of my life!
20. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT:
L: i don't really do fast food. buckeye doughnuts?
M: moe's [insert orgasmic sound], taco bueno... (there was a string of other restaurants.) i eat too much fast food. i have a problem.
21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD:
L: hmm. i'm having trouble choosing.
M: i know a walking lie and her name is andrea.
23. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS?
L: brio because it is goooood. or my parent's house where my mama will make the food. ha! i'm lazy.
M: jesse's. tgi fridays.
24. CAN YOU COOK?
**just a note, erin, marco and i enjoyed your response.**
L: yes, but i choose not to since my wife will happily prepare my meals assuming i get home for dinner in time.
M: i guess i'm the wife. my food is pretty damn good, dammit!
25. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?
L: sad day!
M: my car.
26. BEST KISSER:
L: justin timberlake! and then marco. okay, they're tied. okay, i didn't kiss justin timberlake.
M: some other hot female celebrity. then laura. meanie.
27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED:
L: not sure?
M: i have no idea. i don't cry. but if i did, my tears would cure cancer. (marco then said some comment about chuck norris, who annoys me, so it will not be included in this response. i'm not jealous.)
28. MOST DISLIKED FOODS:
L: i don't eat meat, can that be my answer?
M: brussel sprouts and boiled romaine.
29. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
L: i'm pretty witty. i even slant rhyme.
M: my man piece.
30. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
L: my blindness
M: **at this point, the pizza arrived.** my skin (marco is racist.)
32. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB:
L: oh my goodness!
M: a ridiculous brio double when i didn't get a break.
33. FAVORITE MOVIE:
L: lately, music & lyrics. or the aristocats.
M: some sort of johnny depp greatness.
34. CAN YOU SING?
L: i dabble.
M: do you think i can?
35. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED:
L: mister folds
M: the same.
36. LAST KISS:
L: marco says he has probably molested me at some point in the past few minutes.
M: see above.
37. LAST MOVIE RENTED:
L: uhhh.
M: i now pronounce you chuck and larry.
38. ONE THING YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT:
L: keys
M: keys
39. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT:
L: italia!
M: the shower.
43. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER:
L: are you offering?
M: both.
44. FAVORITE COMEDIAN:
L: do me dane cook.
M: do me first dane cook. once you go black you never go back. (let the record show that marco is indeed the whitest white boy around... despite what he says.)
45. DO YOU SMOKE?
L: nope.
M: no. you smoke my sausage.
46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES?
L: nightie.
M: i sleep with laura.
47. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT?
L: marco and toulouse.
M: laura and toulouse.
48. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?
L: eventually.
M: oh geez.
49. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE?
L: once i got a ticket. another time i got pulled over to be hit on. my favorite was the time i got pulled over as a passenger in marco's car and the cop thought i was underage to be with such an older boy.
M: i think it is getting to the point that it is easier to figure out what i haven't been pulled over for.
50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?
L: oatmeal!
M: french toast.
51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?
L: i LOVE coffee, but i don't drink it. i drink tea.
M: it doesn't like me.
52. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
L: over easy. ohhhhh yeah. just kidding. i like them made my marco or my mama.
M: made by someone else.
53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?
L: YES! i am a pisces and proud.
M: do you remember the chevy astro? that was an ugly van... i think it was a chevy. i'm really not sure.
54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE:
L: marco. lizzie before that.
M: the papa john's girl.
55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST:
L: too much effort.
M: a ridiculous 800 number and i want to find them and shoot them in the face.
56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED?
L: ditto for my last answer.
M: probably laura.
58. NUMBER OF PILLOWS:
L: i use one, but i have three.
M: well, i use laura's, and i have five upstairs. and then laura's "pillows" [read: breasts] if those count.
59. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?
L: tearaways, white underthings, marco's white tee, sports bra... fleece zip up.
M: jeans, a funky non-functional belt, boxers, and a shirt.
60. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC:
L: oh, oh it's maaaagic... you knooooow.
M: my milkshake brings all the boys to yard!
61. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J?
L: grape, fo' sho'.
M: man jelly. i do not like man jelly! grape is pretty good.
62. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?
L: pfaw.
M: yes.
63. CAN YOU SWIM?
L: i float.
M: yeah. i like the breast stroke.
64. FAVORITE ICE CREAM:
L: mmmmmm ice cream, bwaahhahahha!
M: same response as laura.
65. DO YOU LIKE MAPS?
L: yes. they can be very helpful.
M: i think they're helpful. (marco then went into a spiel about the IOWA tests you take as a kid, but i didn't type the whole thing.)
66. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF:
L: i want to be a trophy wife when i grow up.
M: i have a little freckle under my nose. i always thought that was weird.
68. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?
L: yes! i LOVE theme parties!
M: uh huh. a few.
69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
L: autumn!
M: summer.
70. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID:
L: i'm sure in the last five minutes.
M: sometime today.
71. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING?
L: 10:22am
M: 7:45am
72. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER:
L: snuggling with a reason.
M: snow. the fires. christ-mas.
73. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET:
L: over a year ago.
M: hmm. not too long ago. i was speeding down 71 on my way home from work.
75. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET:
L: there was a series of goldfish with V names, my gerbil, snickers, and the family dog, triton. aww, triton!
M: taurus and bree. i don't remember bree, though.
76. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED?
L: overrated. sorry marco!
M: oh, you. i'll swab the poop deck with you.
77. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND?
L: vet's with toulouse, working.
M: the same, plus homework.
78. BIRTHDATE:
L: february 28, 1987. please note how soon that is coming up.
M: oh crap. 09/25/1986.
79. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE?
L: fabulous.
M: king of the world and loved by all. and an expert pancake maker.
85. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP?
L: no
M: i'm on my mini mac.
87. ARE YOU SMILING?
L: i'm chewing.
M: smooshing my face.
89. DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?
L: many.
M: belch. sure.
90. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO?
L: back to chicago.
M: japan
92. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?
L: no
M: obviously not. scoff.
93. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
L: on justin timberlake!
M: not really. maybe. (apparently it's a secret.)
94. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME?
L: uhh
M: shigatosheeagashawa. (marco says i spelled that wrong. what he doesn't realize is that we live in america, and here you can spell kevin g-c-e-u-i-n and get away with it.)
95. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT?
L: i have many.
M: whiteish with a blueish persuasion.
96. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST?
L: september.
M: i don't know.
97. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH?
L: no. rawr!
M: no.
98. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE?
L: no
M: no, but my parents have been on millions. it's not fair.
99. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER?
L: two!
M: kinda sorta.
100. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS?
L & M: of the building, yes. of our apartment? no.
101. ARE YOU IN LOVE?
L: yes. (marco suggested i mention i am in love with justin timberlake. i figure why clarify the obvious.)
M: fa shizzle.
102. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL?
L: a handful of times. i'm sickly.
M: my organs don't work.
103. DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE ANYONE PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW?
L: yes.
M: sure.
104. WHAT JEWELRY ARE YOU WEARING?
L: my amethyst ring, fancy earrings.
M: none that i know of.
105. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER THIS SURVEY?
L: drink water.
M: i don't know. i haven't planned out my next move.
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| old thought |
[Dec. 27th, 2007|06:46 pm] |
what may be the biggest mistake of your life might also be your greatest success. put your heart on the line and know that loving foolishly is sometimes the best way to love... sometimes, that is the only way a person can.
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| don't take this the wrong way, but... |
[Dec. 4th, 2007|06:21 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | ERC | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
sometimes i read my friends page and cannot help but reflect. i see the things those on it who are still in high school write, and i just want to be like "trust me, it's not as complicated as you think." i know right now it SEEMS crazy and messed up and just generally sucky. you can get through it, though.
for me, high school was a lot like one big math problem. i looked at things for so long, i got all the wrong answers even though i knew the right ones. life does not really change in that sense as you get older; the math problems just become more complex. the only super thing is, over time you might come to accept that there truly is no solution. sometimes you just have to accept that the answer does not exist and you focusing on it for additional time is not going to poof! make it appear.
that being said, i sometimes feel like i am trapped in some kind of crazy "ajsdlfkajsdfklashdkfjhu = fjaskdjfhalksdjfh, solve for z" equation. (Hint: z was never typed in that jibber jabber.) then i read my friends page and remember that even though it all seems impossible right now, there will come a time when what i experience now seems simpler. at that point, i will have an entire new set of problems set in front of me.
i often expect myself to have the answer for things instantly. i don't want to take the time to truly figure it out. it seems like, "hey, if i get the answer i can move on to the next question." that is the opposite of true in life. one way or another, you have to really learn this stuff. you will never complete the things ahead if you do not adequately deal with the ones you have now.
don't worry about getting it right. don't worry about knowing it now. one way or another, you'll get some answers. sure, you might get them by having red ink splattered all over your choices. so what? what counts is not the grade you get, but what you really learned.
honestly.
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| my baby ain't no human! |
[Nov. 27th, 2007|12:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | ERC | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hungry | ] |
haha, words cannot express my amusement at the comments i saw on my last post! i have a strict no babies policy, folks, or at least, no human babies.
kitten babies on the other hand...
well, i'll take lots of those! click the link below to see more pictures!
click ( here )
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| i am a mama! |
[Nov. 21st, 2007|11:03 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | EB 202 | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
yet another reason you should come visit me at my apartment... to see my adorable baby kitty! pictures to follow soon! |
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| nothing particular |
[Nov. 8th, 2007|06:34 pm] |
i do not have anything particularly exciting to say at the moment other than it is cold outside. actually, it is pretty chilly inside my apartment, too, but that is beside the point. i wish it could stay that perfect weather all year: warm enough, but not hot, a touch of a breeze, low humidity, sun shine, the smell of fall. i love that. i suppose it would not seem so special if it lasted all year, though.
it is quite a shame that we appreciate things best when they are seldom. it is hard to consistently be grateful for the fact that both my legs work, my arms function, i can breathe naturally, see with the aid of spectacles or contacts, and in general am free. all too often i realize how great those things are when they are gone; when i get home from work too tired to walk to my bed, my arms are numb with exhaustion from carrying heavy things, my nose is too stuffy to breathe through, my glasses' prescription is off.
i suppose i am what makes myself less free, especially in matters of the future. i have too many things i want to do. i want to be a buyer, an interior designer, own a childrens' bookstore, write books, write for a magazine, travel the world, be a social worker, be everything at once with no regard for time. it is frusturating to be at a point in my life where i should probably start considering my genuine intended goals. the problem is, no where in my life are other people sketched in. i want to do all of those things, but also be a friend, a good daughter, good sister, romantic companion, mother, and so much more. i do not know how i can be all of these things at once. i feel like i have to choose, but i do not want to. it's just that i don't foresee myself in any one place for an extended period of time if i have it my way. at the same time, there are certain things and people i do not want to leave behind.
is this what we prepare for? is life ultimately a juggling act of measuring importance and keeping what is seemingly less so up in the air for as long as possible? the unfortunate thing is we spend most of our lives thinking adults have at least something figured out. we think they must because they aren't as complicated as us. anyone who thinks i am incorrect on that point should consider how many times they thought their mom or dad "couldn't understand". it is hard to get to an age where we feel like we should be realizing things, but instead are finding there is so much more we did not know to consider before.
growing up is complicated in itself. i kind of think that at no point in life does anyone have everything figured out. it feels that way, at least. i think maybe life is complex in its own way at every transition. the step to getting to the next challenge is getting past whatever is at hand.
perhaps then it is an accomplishment of understanding in itself that one chooses to move forward.
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| scary. |
[Oct. 30th, 2007|03:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | eternal sunshine of the spotless mind is on | ] |
i'm not really sure what to say to begin this entry. i don't have any clever introduction planned. i am trying to not let myself fall into what i refer to as The Usual Statements: things i say over and over that are not necessarily accurate to how i currently feel or think, but rather are rehearsed and familiar to me. familiarity often times goes hand in hand with comfort.
i watched a very interesting documentary today on hbo called "thin". i've actually seen parts of it before, but never sat down and watched it by myself. i realized that i have been pretending to be fixed for awhile now. i am still hurting a lot inside in regards to food, my body, control, and so much more.
i want to be honest and say that i am scared.
when my family went with jessica to her group sessions for ED therapy at the cleveland clinic, i realized i had a problem. i sort of always assumed the way i thought and felt was the same for everyone; it's not like i was talking about it, so why would anyone else? i thought everyone had the same secret. when i was at those sessions, it became clear to me that was not the case. i identified entirely too well with the other people in that room, struggling with food.
my response to that realization was to go against everything those other people did. i wanted to be normal. i binge ate and gained weight, or maybe i didn't, but i freaked out anyway. i would binge for a day, then not eat for four. my thought was that as long as i ate, i couldn't be sick. that is not true.
i later decided i didn't care if i was sick, i was going to embrace the way i had essentially always been. it was back to minimal calories a day: 16oz. of green tea and a small apple for breakfast, salad and water for lunch, grapefruit and something to appease my parents for dinner. i was not well.
it was a rude awakening to pass out in a bathroom doorway while visiting marco during his first year at OSU. it was embarassing. i had told him about my problems in a vulnerable moment, but i was fairly certain the severity of it was not at all clear to him. what had been blurred before was now like crystal. i wanted desperately to not let something like that happen again, and after many more months struggling, i got significantly better.
i had ups and downs. last spring i lost nearly 15 pounds at rapid speed and i was not even trying. i honestly could not tell you if part of me was working for that... but i do know something inside of me liked it.
watching the documentary today made me wonder if my current lifestyle of eating like a semi-normal person is a fluke. i wonder if i am simply doing what i did before-- attempting to defy any possibility of me having an eating disorder-- so i don't have to deal with it. i fear i am caught in a cycle in which i will inevitably go back to my old ways. how can i know the difference? it always feels like i am getting better, then hurts that much more when it turns out i am not.
recently i have felt like maybe i never had an eating disorder. maybe i imagined it all. maybe i view food differently than most, but that doesn't mean something is wrong with me.
"thin" opened my eyes up to the fact that lying to myself will not make my issues disappear. pretending those problems do not still exist every single day is foolish.
i have the bad thoughts regularly. i am trying to just hear them, though, and not give them the opportunity to flourish.
i wish i had a happy ending conclusion to this entry. i don't. there are no happy endings in life-- only possibilities. opportunities to make the next month, day, moment better than the last... and then the next moment, you have to work for another happy one. working for happiness and allowing it to happen are the only ways to ever acquire it rightfully. indeed, it is the only thing in life worth pursuing.
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| no, i'm not from PETA... |
[Oct. 22nd, 2007|10:28 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | the ERC. | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | thoughtful | ] |
today in my civilizations course, we were discussing mystery cults of the ancient world. at one point we were discussing a cult involving the killing of bulls, which was related to how we as a society raise livestock to kill and eat it.
i considered this and came to the conclusion that those who eat meat and were simultaneously disgusted by this concept are not thinking clearly. further, i think it is interesting that pro-lifers are not necessarily abhorrently anti-omnivore/carnivore. consider this: many pro-lifers believe stem cell research is wrong because it is creating "life" to be used for science instead of being "let to live". is that not in fact the same as raising cattle for slaughter? and at least in the case of stem cell research it benefits people. raising mass amounts of livestock actually has a negative effect upon our lives. we use more energy and land to grow food for that livestock, as well as bring steroids into the bodies of developing children. it also hurts the environment, generating nearly 40% more greenhouse gases than all the cars, trucks, planes, and ships in the world combined. the crops we use to feed cattle could be given to people less fortunate and starving. at the same time, land would be allowed to either flourish naturally or be used more productively than as essentially a form of purgatory for cows.
in addition, abortion is considered wrong because it is prematurely ending life. would it then be better to allow that life to grow and become something more viable than a fetus? should it be fattened and pumped with chemicals before being murdered in the name of filet mignon? of course not. instead, so many people oppose the act of killing a fetus before it gets a chance to see the light of day; an act frighteningly similar to how veal ends up on your dinner plate.
this all being said, i am not a crazy vegetarian. i am realistic. i do not eat meat for health reasons, primarily that i do not digest it well. i still have leather boots. i am not perfect. i am not making the above statements to turn you all vegetarian/vegan. rather, i am asking people to consider their opinions and beliefs from all sides. i am pro-choice, not pro-abortion. i believe certain situations call for different actions. it is unfair and illogical to believe a mass judgment should be made for those who have abortions. likewise, it would be wrong to throw red paint on every person eating a burger, or to call a guest at a steak house a murderer.
next time you sit down to a meal of pork tenderloin, or whatever meat dish you prefer, i ask that you please consider where it came from. it was once a living, breathing animal. it was far beyond the stage of an embryo.
you may be thinking that an animal is not on the level of a human baby, that it does not have the same worth. just to remind you of basic elementary science, humans are animals. you may believe that because cows and chickens do not use computers, drive cars, or speak english, they are less valuable. you may also believe that morals separate us from the other animals. i certainly hope you reconsider announcing those beliefs openly. in case you have forgotten, not all humans are technologically advanced. some humans cannot speak. there is no universal moral code of conduct; everyone has different beliefs.
perhaps murder is the one thing that is commonly viewed amongst the human race as "bad". in general, killing another person is seen as wrong. pro-lifers consider abortion the equivalent of murder. is that what separates us? if it does, why is the murder of those we consider lesser beings so widely accepted? it certainly was not looked at that way when hitler ordered the murder of those he saw as less. an easy answer would be to say that we kill animals for nourishment, but the reason animals kill each other is also for food. their "moral code" mirrors ours.
i realize my statements may fall on deaf ears. pro-lifers may not see what i mean by hypocrisy. meat-eaters may not see my point in their meal choices. i only ask that you think about my statements and evaluate where they fall into your lives and beliefs. i then ask that you make changes if and where appropriate.
it is not all so different.
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| mih-naw, mah-naw; that's for you, alanna! |
[Oct. 18th, 2007|06:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | the ERC | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | accomplished | ] |
| [ | music |
| | sounds in my head | ] |
i suggest everyone reading this do a good deed within the next 48 hours.
today i went to starbucks because i was feeling pretty down. the weather was causing my sinuses to be tight which is unpleasant in itself, but i have been a bit depressed in general lately. i think a lot of it has to do with my lack o' friends down here in columbus. i have not had much of a chance to make any new pals, and i miss my favorites back home, states away, and overseas. i have not had such trouble making friends in a very long time, so this is forgotten territory. i suppose it mostly has to do with the fact that i have so much time invested in other things i have deemed "more important"; school, work, sleep. the problem is, i have reached a point where none of those things satisfy me at all. i have no desire to do school work because i would rather be sleeping, which makes me not want to go to brio, because... well, i convince myself i am tired. i think really i just want to go out with friends instead of doing those responsible things, but since i haven't any down here, there is difficulty.
i suppose you can look at the above paragraph as my way of saying people need to come visit me! i am going to try harder to make new friends, though, because new people add color to one's life.
anyway, back to starbucks. i went there to get some tea and a little something to nibble and hopefully feel better. i bought advil on the way to get rid of my headache and was ever-so-gleeful for an exciting afternoon of studying.
by the time i finished my cup of awake tea and morsel of coffee cake, i was feeling much better. on the way to the door, i stopped by the register and handed the barista $5.00. i told him to use it to pay for whomever next came through the door looking as though they needed something happy to happen.
as i pushed open the door and smelled fall, i felt infinitely better than i had just moments previously. if you remember correctly, i was already in a better mood than i had been when entering the coffee shop. what made me feel so great on my way out was that i knew i had done something to make someone else feel good. i hope that person does the same in some way or another for another soul who needs it, and so on and so forth.
nothing beats the high of making others happy for all the right reasons. i encourage you to do something to gain this feeling, and hope you'll share about it in my comments section.
happy trails!
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| real entry |
[Oct. 9th, 2007|01:42 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | the postal service - clark gable | ] |
i think i have posted about a million entries about how much better a writer i used to be, but oh well. i just hunted through my archives to find a particular website address, and snap! i cannot believe what a better writer i used to be. how much more interesting i used to be. emotional and frusturated and questioning; i was a complex chica.
a lot of why i stopped writing the way i did was related to my audience. i noticed some people using livejournal entries as weapons against me. in fact, i started using my entries as weapons against certain people! how colorful of me to sink to their level. whatever. it's time to grow up and i have some things to say.
i am complicated. i do not want any one thing in particular. i want a lot of things-- i want everything. nothing i want looks like a picture, has a perfect title, or is easily attained.
i hate what i have become as a simplistic adult who no longer thinks. here i am, and i am considering everything that has happened since i stopped allowing myself to do so... there is a whole lot of crap piled up. i need to evaluate things.
at times i am difficult to get along with. occasionally i will push you in ways you do not want to be pushed. i'm not sorry, but i am. i am sorry for upsetting you, but i am not going to apologize for taking care of me or trying to help you. that goes to everyone in my life, including friends, family, classmates, educators, coworkers. everyone.
the unfortunate thing about love is people frequently fall and create a person in their mind who does not exist, who may change; a person who is not real. this is me. love me, hate me, just please decide and stop trying to make me someone i am not. i am happy to grow, excited to change, but thoroughly disinterested in trying to attain similarity to a fantasy me.
frankly, the real me is better.
that's all folks. more soon. i really am going to make an effort this time around.
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| it's the most wonderful time of the year! |
[Oct. 2nd, 2007|08:34 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | le apt 192 B | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | grateful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | morning sounds | ] |
say what you want for the month of december, but october is where it's at for me. suddenly, it feels like fall... and that makes me very happy.
things are getting better around here. all you gossip mongers can place personal inquiries if you are that desperate for information.
best friends who are reading this, i miss you SO MUCH. i cannot wait to see you all again!
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| here's to hoping. |
[Sep. 28th, 2007|12:39 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | thirsty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | sad girl music | ] |
hope you are happy
hope you get what you want
hope you fuck someone more ideal
and hey, please tell me about it
because i really want to know how it looks
to see the hollows of your eyes
when you can't get the satisfaction you crave.
hope you have the most fun
hope you forget completely
hope you love the way her skin feels
and that she says what you want to hear
because i never knew the right words to use
or the correct way to act
when you reminded me of how imperfect i am.
hope you enjoy it
hope you treat her better
hope you move past everything
and never get what you deserve
because much as i want to dispense my hurt
to slip a little sadness into your pocket
whenever i feel tempted, i cannot bring myself to it.
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